Stay-at-home motherhood: domestic bliss?

I read with interest a recent article at ChristianityToday.com titled, “The Real Life of an At-Home Mother.” (Subtitled “desperate housewives.” Ha ha...yet it rings true, I’m afraid)

Says author Carla Barnhill,

Certainly being home with our children can be deeply satisfying, and I don't mean to suggest that it is hard and frustrating all day, every day. But the beautiful part of motherhood gets talked about all the time, particularly in Christian literature. What doesn't get addressed often enough is that along with the wonder and delight of raising children come intense challenges that can leave women emotionally raw.

Yes indeed.

On the surface, our Christian culture has begun to acknowledge the difficulties of being a stay-at-home mother. A whole new crop of books on the Christian market caters to the stressed-out mother and encourages her to lean on God through this often-trying season of life. But those books never address the idea that perhaps being a stay-at-home mom is difficult for some women because we have heaped an impossible load of expectations on Christian mothers, expectations that are bound to be dashed.

Certainly expectations are part of it. But what of habits in which we’ve been raised? You know – order your life a certain way, keep everything picked up & dusted & vacuumed & cleaned, maintain hygiene, make doctors’ appointments, wash the clothes, make sure the clothes are in decent shape & fit OK, keep the TP stocked, keep the fridge & pantry stocked, cook nutritious meals, etc. etc.... In other words, keep on top of everything, which, if you can’t afford a housekeeper, means run yourself ragged from sun-up to sun-down, especially if you’ve got a “difficult” baby and/or toddlers and no children old enough to help.

Not to mention the “personhood” one has developed – talent-training & schooling one grew up with, including 4+ years at college, probably, and the identity one has found in these things.

Then there are societal, and individual, expectations of an “enlightened” society in which we seek to develop our children’s talents. So commences the mad scurrying to this lesson and that class, to this store to purchase these supplies, uniforms, etc., not to mention the practice time required at home. How can anyone possibly keep up?

Put sleep deprivation on top of that, a breast-fed baby who refuses to fall into a routine and sleeps fitfully or sporadically, and you’ve got a mom who can barely manage bare necessities, let alone look presentable to the outside world & have a house fit to walk around in let alone qualify for the cover of Better Homes & Gardens.

Barnhill quotes a woman names Alana, who says,

"I got blindsided by the responsibility, the emotional ties, the worry, the exhaustion, the discipline issues, and the day-to-day care of children. The reality for me is that motherhood is very draining and tiring and humbling. On a regular basis I feel like a failure as a mom.”

Why does Alana feel like a failure as a mom? Why do moms feel like failures when they’re struggling? Why, when we are dead tired, frustrated, vexed, puzzled, physically miserable, and unable to manage everything on our plates, are we convinced that we’re failing?

Is it because of an unrealistic picture of June Cleaver motherhood? Is it because others reinforce this feeling in us because of their spiffy, suave, working-woman, house-looks-great lifestyles? Because we feel we must be the perfect servants, always attending to every imaginable need and solving every imaginable problem? Because no one likes to talk about the ugly realities of motherhood? Because it’s awfully hard to get help if one doesn’t have family in town, or can’t afford to hire it? Because of lack of support? Because American society values appearance and all its marvelous programs that require people (often volunteers) to run them, which, if everyone stayed home to take care of their families, there would be no to help with? Including all the millions of things that need to be done @ church?

It's undoubtedly hard for many mothers to ask even friends for help when their self and their house are a mess. Because there’s such a societal standard for appearances, it’s awfully embarrassing to be seen looking like a rag heap and needing a shower!

Continues Alana,

My walk with the Lord has suffered since I became a mom. Spending time with God feels like another obligation—just one more person wanting something from me....

I can relate to that over-obligated feeling, but surely this feeling comes from what some person or book has told us we need to do, not from what God actually requires of us. I certainly didn’t have much of an organized “quiet time” or personal Bible study or even regular church attendance when my kids were infants, because I was merely struggling to survive. Yet, internally I still sought God. He knew my heart. He knew my circumstances. He knew things wouldn’t be this way forever; that, after several months or even years, the time would come when life would settle down and get a rhythm back.

Says Alana,

“What most stimulated and satisfied me was often not possible to have in my life.”

This was very hard for me. Leave the “often” part out. There was virtually none of that when my children were babies. I mean, not even basic things like being able to take a shower, trim my nails, use the bathroom without a baby hanging on me in a sling, have the house even marginally kept, have a conversation without constant distraction or interruption, follow through on anything, have a thought to myself, keep up with mail, phone calls, bills, car repairs, laundry, shopping, have basic physical, mental, or emotional comforts, etc. etc. etc.

I mean, sure, I got a few of those, few and far between. But my tank was so low, it was barely enough to get any mileage off of.

Even the delight I wanted to share with my children when they were babies/toddlers was difficult to enjoy because of constant struggles. Never mind the extreme sleep deprivation; how many times did I finally get started off to the grocery store only to have to turn around and go home because the baby wouldn’t stop screaming? How many times did my son’s diaper fall off because I couldn’t hold him down & change it properly at the same time? How many times did I take him out in public in his PJ’s because getting him dressed was impossible?

How many days on end did I wear ancient sweatshirts/sweatpants, covered with stains, spit-up, diaper leaks, you name it...how many times did I put in VeggieTales videos for my toddlers just so I could appreciate the jokes meant for parents? How many times did I near-to-die just to be able to savor a Starbucks latte? It sounds ridiculous to ask that, and pathetic, and even selfish, but if you’ve ever been there, you know exactly what I mean.

Despite all this, I did enjoy the enjoyable things about my babies, and there were plenty of those. But what was difficult was that I was completely wrapped in that motherhood bubble, and it seemed like the rest of the world was somewhere out there & I had no idea what was going on in it. I started to find it difficult to even have a normal social conversation; it was like I had moved to another land and spoke a different language.

But I did (and still do) savor every positive moment I could get with my children; I cherished their babyhood and treasured them beyond compare. And I gave my all to deal with the challenging moments appropriately and prayerfully. I tried to look to the future, persevering in the hopes that it would all pay off. And, I can say it has already paid off, though I claim little credit.

Continues Barhill:

These are the women sitting in our churches, the women who are doing their best with very little rest or support. These are the women we are telling to do more and to do it better. And we are killing them.

Yep.

Sadly, so many of us hide our sense of disappointment and our discontent with our lives as stay-at-home mothers because we've been taught that this is the life God wants for us, that to want something more is selfish and worldly. We are afraid to admit that our lives aren't what we hoped for because to do so would be to reveal some deep moral flaw. That fear isn't irrational. Unfortunately, it gets reinforced on a regular basis.

Yep. Although I think there may be moral flaw involved. It can be terribly difficult to draw the line between having a reasonable hope for a relatively held-together life and a selfish, worldly wish. I sure had trouble discerning that line during those years when my kids were really little.

Rather than puttering and gardening and cooking being the keys to our happiness, they are, for many women, the bane of our existence. If anything, we put too much emphasis on creating a perfect home complete with handmade centerpieces and memory books filled with theme stickers and cropped pictures of the kids at the beach. There is tremendous pressure to prove to the world that we are capable of caring for our families if only to show the secular culture that this is the life that comes from living obediently. To fail at this is to fail at God's plan. (emphasis added)

Yes! It’s a version of the “prosperity doctrine:” all goes well for those who do all the right things. Wrong wrong wrong!

Stay-at-home motherhood truly is a mission, one into which not all of us are led—those, for instance, who need constant support and opportunities for respite.

Oh, no Carla – why is it a matter of “leading”? I wonder if, for the mothers who need constant support and opportunities for respite, God didn’t purpose for others to help them out!!

What we need from the church is not a set of unreasonable expectations but encouragement and prayer that God will keep giving us endless reserves of patience, compassion, wisdom, and love. [and sleep] We need other adults in our lives who are willing to listen when we need to vent, who will take the kids at the drop of a hat, and who will occasionally ask our opinion on something other than potty training.

Or, not ask us about something that we haven't even thought about in months and months... :-)

We need to know that we are free to listen to God's voice and follow God's leading—whether that is into our homes or into an office.

Well, maybe. But the fact is, women, including mothers, have physical, mental, and emotional limitations regardless of whether their own or society’s expectations are realistic or not. Society needs to get down and dirty with the realities of motherhood, and help these heroes of our civilization out! (Not that I consider myself a hero...but I recognize the importance and value of motherhood.)

Barhill concludes by telling of a stay-at-home friend of hers who she admires greatly. She says,

What's interesting about Jill's involvement in running (marathons) and in organizing the Bible study (in home) is that neither activity is directly connected to her children. But for Jill, devoting some of her time and energy to these pursuits teaches her children something valuable. She says, "I feel like both of these areas—the running (exercise) and the small groups (fellowship)—are good for my kids to witness and emulate themselves as they grow. I feel like I'm modeling a lifestyle, not just doing what I want."

I was interested to read this because I’ve felt this way about the activities I do that are not directly related to my children. I also feel that children need to learn not to expect Mommy to be directly attending to them constantly, nor instantly meeting their every need, i.e., that they are the center of the universe. Not that I believe this so much for when they are very little, but, once they are capable, I think it’s healthy for them to learn it. It’s what may have been referred to as teaching “independence” in the olden days, though I dislike that concept; I don’t think children should be taught “independence” as much as resourcefulness, patience, and fortitude.

Anyway, I would like to see dialogue continue on the subject of the realities of motherhood, and to see more effort made toward truly embracing all of its aspects by mothers, families, churches, and society alike.